The Contestant Flies Off the Handle: Moonchuckle Bay Romantic Comedy #7 Read online

  Contents

  Title Page

  Dedication

  Happy Ending at 88%

  Half Title

  1 ~ You Will Be Wise to Say Yes

  2 ~ Meow

  3 ~ VooDoo BBQ & Grill

  4 ~ Forty-Nine Women More Beautiful Than Cara

  5 ~ I Loved the Smoke and Mirrors

  6 ~ “Moi?” He Asked Innocently

  7 ~ No Goodnight Kiss Today

  8 ~ You Want To Work With This Vampire?

  9 ~ Thank Goodness For Jingle

  10 ~ The First Shall Be Last

  11 ~ Are You Always This Dense?

  12 ~ The Oracle, Herself

  13 ~ Watch Out For Nana

  14 ~ Epilogue ~ It’s Time

  Thank you!

  Author's Note

  Book Club Questions

  About the Author

  Books by Heather Horrocks

  Acknowledgments

  Copyright

  Free Book: #0.5 Jingle Belle

  Free Book: #1 The Artist Cries Wolf - free

  Book #8

  Thanks again

  THE CONTESTANT FLIES OFF THE HANDLE

  Moonchuckle Bay #7

  Heather Horrocks

  Dedicated to my really smart (and smart-alecky, thank goodness!) daughter, Heidi Marsh, who would do anything for her family, too — maybe even retrieve our missing runestones! (Though you’re married, so you’d be ineligible for the pageant.) I’ve seen you grow and change from my sweet little Heidi-Beidi into an amazing wife and mother of rough-and-tumble little boys. I’m so glad you’re in my family!

  And to Mark. I am forever glad I’m part of yours.

  THE HAPPY ENDING IS AT ABOUT 88% ~ ENJOY!

  In case you’re like me and want to know how close you are to the end of a book, and because there are pages that come after the end of a book (copyright, book club questions, about the author, excerpts, and — in some boxed sets — more novellas), I just want to let you know that ‘The End’ of this book is at approximately 88%. Enjoy.

  RECEIVE A FREE BOOK — click here.

  DISCOVER HEATHER’S OTHER BOOKS.

  Heather Horrocks has written numerous books. If you’re new to her writing, see her romantic comedies and funny mysteries at www.BooksByHeatherHorrocks.com.

  OTHER MOONCHUCKLE BAY BOOKS (in order):

  #0.5 Jingle Belle (FREE)

  #1 The Artist Cries Wolf (FREE on Amazon, B&N, KOBO)

  #2 The Bridesmaid Earns Her Wings

  #3 The Director Gets a Grip

  #4 The Fireman Finds His Flame

  #5 Elvis Gets His Groove Back

  #6 The Hacker Pushes Her Luck

  #7 The Contestant Flies Off the Handle

  The Contestant Flies Off the Handle

  Copyright © 2017 Heather Horrocks

  You Will Be Wise to Say Yes

  "YOU CAN COUNT ME OUT." Cara O'Sullivan crossed her arms and glared at each member of her family of stubborn, redheaded Irish earth witches. "I'll not be heading on this fool's errand!"

  Cara’s Nana, Mam, Da, and three older sisters stared right back, daring her not to go. Their red hair ran the gamut from her nana’s faded-to-almost-gray locks to her sister Ruby’s nearly crimson curls. Cara’s own was a rich auburn with golden highlights. All of them, with the exception of her shaggy-haired da, were cursed with unruly curls, and they all possessed the infamous temper associated with their fiery tresses.

  When her family didn't say anything else, Cara motioned at her sisters. "All three of them are much prettier than I am. If our family absolutely has to win the prize, then send one of them. It only makes sense."

  "We can't, daughter." Da sighed and shook his head. "There's a stipulation that the pageant contestants must be single, neither married nor engaged."

  "My point exactly." Cara raised a shoulder. "You have four daughters, and all are single.”

  "Were single." Her oldest sister, Mary, looked sheepish. "Patrick asked me to wed him last night, Cara. And I said yes." She raised her hand to display a ring there.

  Shocked, Cara said, "You’ve always told me you thought of Patrick as a friend and brother and no more."

  Her sister's expression became dreamy and love-smitten. "Last night, everything changed between us."

  Cara motioned to her two other sisters, Sophie and Ruby. "Then send one of them."

  Her two remaining sisters held up their hands to display rings, as well.

  “That’s a fret!” Disbelieving, Cara stared at them. "Are you trying to tell me you're both also engaged then? Because I don’t believe it. It’s impossible."

  "Impossible?" Sophie frowned. "Are you saying no man would want to wed me? Because Connor has asked for my hand in marriage."

  "He did." Their da nodded. "As did Sean for Ruby's."

  "How curiously, suspiciously coincidental." Cara shook her head, feeling gaslighted. “Nay, I’m saying that this is starting to feel like a setup.”

  “Your problem, dear sister,” Sophie said, “is that you jump to conclusions.”

  “And you feel you don’t need a man.” Ruby shook her head.

  “I feel like I need one right now so I could also have a ring and thus be disqualified.” Cara turned to her parents. “I don't know why they’re doing this, but I can’t go. Not to Moonchuckle Bay.”

  “Ah, but you can,” Ruby said knowingly. “It matters not that the mysterious vampire from the cruise lives there. The one with no last name but with a..." her voice grew syrupy sweet, “lifemate buzz.”

  “The buzz is a lie. Vampires make it up to make you feel special before they walk away without a backward glance. And we decided not to give each other last names. It was silly, but I was only nineteen.” Cara waved her hands. “But I don't want to talk about him or the cruise.”

  “Sure and why not?” Nana O’Sullivan asked quietly. “It’s been five years. Surely you can be in the proximity of this man for two short weeks in pursuit of our runestones.”

  “I don't think I can.” Cara refused to board the Guilt Trip Express. “He never even came looking for me, then did he?”

  “Because you cast a spell so he could never find you.” Nana sighed. “Did you think we wouldn’t sense it, child?”

  Cara’s Irish-pale, freckled face warmed in an embarrassed blush. Of course they had.

  Her da took her hand and looked down at her. “Cara, a chroí.” His endearment for his daughters was the Irish Gaelic my heart. “Can you not see that we must get those runestones back? None of you can have full power until they are returned to us.”

  Cara felt the weight of truth of his words like a stone around her heart. “But cannot any of my sisters put aside their engagements for just a few weeks? Truly, we have a better chance of winning them back if the prettier sisters are there. This is a beauty pageant, after all.”

  He put an arm around her. “It is a paranormal beauty pageant, and you are the strongest witch of our daughters and most likely to win the paranormal portion. Therefore you are the one chosen to go. don't fight it.”

  Disbelieving, she stared at her three newly engaged sisters, her mam, her nana, and then back up at her da.

  They were earth witches, and they’d been without the power of their runestones for nearly three years. She yearned to get hers back, to feel the power flow fully through her once again.

  If only Grandda hadn’t … she shook her head. She couldn’t go there. He’d had dementia, and hadn’t realized what he’d done, and he’d died shortly after. There was no point in blaming him
.

  “Will you not go for us, child?” her da asked, as if sensing her weakening. “Surely you miss your runestone.”

  Cara didn’t want to go. Surely there was another way to get their power back. But in three years, they hadn’t come up with one. The thought of her family never holding their runestones again saddened her. Was she truly their only hope? That was a depressing thought, for sure, as she didn’t feel up to the task.

  Each earth witch received a magical gemstone as part of their power. During certain ceremonies where more power was needed, each of them would set their runestone inside a circle in order to strengthen them all. Three years ago, her own grandda had risen in the dark of the night, gathered all of their runestones — and lost them in a poker game. Though they’d cast locator spells and even hired a private investigator, they hadn’t been able to find the person who’d obtained them or the stones since — until they were listed as one of the prizes going with the crown to this decade’s Miss Paranormal Universe.

  “Why can’t we just claim the stones as our own? Buy them back from the pageant?” Cara knew she was grasping at straws.

  Her da’s expression was sad. “Sure and you know why we can’t claim them, lass. They were lost fair and square in a warlock’s poker game, so even though they didn’t belong to your grandda, the warlock who won them had a magical claim to them. And he sold them to the pageant, or to someone else who did.”

  “Can we steal them back?” Cara asked, knowing the answer before her family shook their collective heads. “Are we even sure these are our stones?”

  “We’ve searched for them for so long,” Nana said, touching Cara’s arm. “Sweet, we need your help. We must get our stones back.”

  Cara’s runestone was an emerald, worth many thousand euros on its own, without taking its magical properties into account. Her sisters had lost a diamond, a topaz, and — in Ruby’s case — a ruby. They each had a symbol magically engraved in them.

  She desperately wanted her stone back, and knew the others in her family did, as well.

  Finally, Cara sighed. Someone in the family had to win them back. Apparently, it was her. “So I draw the short straw as I’m suddenly the only unattached one.”

  Her family nodded, smiling happily at her capitulation.

  “Yay for me. I guess I need to at least get close enough to see if the stones are truly ours.”

  “You do,” her mam said.

  “What do you suggest I do for the talent portion of the competition?”

  “Animal whispering,” Nana said. “You do it for a living, one on one. Just do it on stage.”

  Sophie said, “Plus you can do an Irish jig with the best of them. Put on your dancing shoes and do a stepdance.”

  Mary smiled brightly. “Cast a spell on the judges.”

  Ruby shrugged. “Have Shadow run an obstacle course.”

  Shadow — Cara’s black cat familiar — gave a short meow. None of the others could understand what he said, except her. In no uncertain terms, he’d just said, No.

  The cat jumped to the back of the couch and stared at her.

  Cara raised an eyebrow at the cat. “You’ll go with me, though, right?”

  Shadow stared at her with his probing yellow eyes. A reverse shifter who could shift into a huge black leopard, Shadow was always outspoken, no matter which form he was in. He might be loyal to her — but he refused to shut up when she wanted him to, which brought about a lot of arguments with her beloved cat.

  This was no exception. “Meow.” To Moonchuckle Bay? Are you sure you want to go anywhere near that town?

  She did not. Isaac with no last name had romanced her and then said they needed time apart, that she still needed time to party. The rejection had stung. She wasn’t going to put herself anywhere near him.

  I can kill him for you. Shadow’s eyes glinted with anticipation.

  She shook her head. No killing.

  Isaac was too pretty to kill. Though she’d wanted to do it, herself, a time or two. Her best revenge was to never let him find her.

  So why was she going to Moonchuckle Bay?

  Isaac Murphy had never met the Oracle before, but he’d heard about her his entire life.

  He’d drawn the short straw between him and his other two brothers, Michael and James, and therefore got to attend his father with their most famous client.

  Their scariest client, too, if all the rumors were true.

  When his father knocked on the large door of the Oracle’s home, high up on the hill, close by the dragon’s home and overlooking the lake, he caught Isaac’s eyes and smiled. Isaac noticed that it didn’t reach his eyes.

  When he realized his father was nervous, too — his father, the biggest, toughest vampire in the state, who wasn’t afraid of anything — Isaac’s nervousness increased.

  An old-style butler opened the door.

  Well, he wore an old-style British butler outfit, but he was a large, bright-green lizard shifter, in his lizard form standing on his hind legs. Six feet of lizard. Freaky, especially when the lizard hissed out, “Come thisssss way.”

  His father, Jack Murphy, head of Murphy & Sons Law Office, tipped his head in respect, and said, “Good morning, Lord Sauro.”

  The green lizard nodded his head in return. “Welcome to the vampiresssss Murphy.”

  Isaac wondered idly if Lord Sauro was one of the brightly colored poisonous lizards, and made a decision to avoid touching the lizard unless his father did so first.

  And then he wondered if his father knew whether Sauro was poisonous or not.

  The large lizard dropped to all four feet and slithered away from the door. His father grinned at Isaac and motioned for his son to follow the lizard. Isaac motioned back that he would go after his father. With a chuckle, his father stepped inside, hurrying now to keep up.

  They walked through a huge entryway, with a large staircase curving up on the right, and columns opening to rooms on either side. Lord Sauro led them to the second room on the left, then stood again and motioned them in.

  Both Isaac and his father nodded to the lizard this time.

  “The mistresssssss will ssssssee you now.”

  If Isaac’s heart hadn’t been thundering before, it was now. He was about to meet one of the Oracles of Delphi. There were only three of them still living, and his father had explained it was because they were descended from the goddess Themis. In fact, the Oracle kept Themis as her surname and her first name, surprisingly, was Pythia. His father hadn’t told him much more than that, so Isaac didn’t know what to expect.

  She’d been around for many centuries. He didn’t know for sure what her power was, but he expected an old, wizened woman who could see the future.

  When they entered the room, a woman was standing at the large window, looking out over the lake.

  The thick brunette hair cascading down her slender back didn’t cry out “wizened.”

  She turned and he saw a young, classically beautiful woman with olive skin. She was alluring enough that she could easily win the beauty pageant happening any day now in town. She wore a vintage Greek gown, and a circlet of gold sat upon her head, intertwined with flowers.

  Could this be the old woman’s servant?

  The woman smiled at him, and suddenly he wondered if she could read his thoughts.

  She held out a hand, and his father stepped forward, took it, and touched it to his forehead. “Thank you for letting us come, Pythia.”

  His father had informed him that this was a gesture of respect, indicating that Mistress Themis was — or had been — the High Priestess at Delphi’s Temple of Apollo.

  The woman turned her warm brown eyes on Isaac, and he nearly gasped. This woman had incredible power. No wonder so many people wanted to have their futures read by her — something she no longer did except on very special occasions.

  She hadn’t even been consulted on whether Ty and Mara’s egg contained a dragon or swan. Her price was too steep for all but the wealt
hiest of people — and she bartered in both money and power.

  When he took her hand, power shot up his arm and through his body. He touched her fingers to his forehead as his father had done, and felt as though she could surely read his thoughts.

  That was disconcerting.

  He stood and she smiled knowingly at him. “Welcome, Isaac Murphy. I have heard of you.”

  “Good things, I hope.”

  “I heard you met your lifemate and lost her.”

  Was this for real? Of all the things the Oracle could ask him about, she was going to bring up the woman who’d gotten away?

  “Yes, Pythia.”

  “How sad for you.” She ran a finger along his cheek. “I, myself, have never met a man who was worth pining over — or giving up my gift for. But you remind me of one I almost considered.” She paused and he thought he caught a quick flash of regret in her eyes before she smiled again.

  Pythia turned to his father. “All is well with your family, I hope? With Beth?”

  His father nodded. “Yes. Everyone is well. Beth sends her greetings. Thank you for asking.”

  “I suppose you are wondering why I summoned you, Mr. Murphy.”

  He and his father both nodded.

  The Oracle said, “I need more legal work performed. I want another anonymous payment set up, this one for the family whose mother was killed in the car accident just before the Moonchuckle Bay exit.”

  He’d seen the story in the news. They were a human family whose mother had died in a car accident.

  His father pulled out his lightweight laptop and opened it, setting it on a tall table. The three of them remained standing.

  While his father and the unexpectedly young and beautiful Oracle talked about the details of her generous gift, Isaac studied the room. The columns were Grecian, which shouldn’t have surprised him, as the Oracle of Delphi came from Greece. A fortune’s worth of ornate vases and other beautiful antiquities filled the room.

  He tuned back into the conversation as the Oracle touched a large carved stone on a sturdy stand along the wall. It seemed to shimmer briefly. It was flat on the bottom and rounded on the top, with grand, elaborate carvings running up the sides.